It’s 2.30 a.m. I get up to go to the loo, trying to keep my brain asleep as I quietly shuffle in the dark with my eyes still closed. It has become a race.
Too late. The trip was long enough for my mind to yawn, as it does upon awakening, then search the files for some thought material. This tiring ritual has been happening for years.
As I crawl back to bed, I force my mind to close the filing cabinet, in preference guiding it to speak to God. Like many other Christians awake too early, I enjoy my mind speaking to the Lord in that silent conversation only He and I can hear. It is by far more desirable than dwelling on the 4.00 a.m. negative aspects of life as I used to do years ago. That is, until I dawned to Satan’s trick of seed-planting my mind with pessimistic thoughts at that time of the morning. It’s different now.
I smile, thinking about the questions I sometimes put to the Lord. The how’s and why’s of Bible characters, about why I reacted the wrong way to something yesterday, about how I can do better, what my role is in the future, how I can be more obedient and responsive. How I can love deeper.
I savour the peace of only talking in my mind, but 30 minutes is enough. It’s now 3.00 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I decide to get up and be physically productive. Sneaking quietly out of bed so I don’t wake Heather, I grab my maroon terry-towelling robe as I tip-toe through to my usual spot on the worn chesterfield couch in the dining room. It has been my favourite spot for some reason since my kidney transplant.
In the dark, and under the light of the laptop, I'm about to begin writing, but I pause to think again. I smile for the second time, musing on how I cannot hide anything from God. Not even my thoughts. I love that most basic of facts. Every thought passing through my mind, perhaps like emails on this laptop, is seen and read by the Almighty. Nothing can or will be hidden.
I have often apologised to God for thinking things. Just knowing He had to see wrong thoughts both embarrasses me and makes me thank Him after my apology for His patience. He knows I am on a journey to where my mind is totally consumed with goodness, righteousness, and love. Where I see nothing except through the eyes of my Saviour. I am overwhelmed by His love for me as He waits.
In Matthew 22:37, Jesus spoke to someone in particular but to me as well, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."
The mind journey I am on concludes at this pinnacle of being so in love with the Lord that no unrighteous or unholy thought can even penetrate. It can't get through. As if in a different dimension, like Eden.
I think on the transformation of my mind as spoken of in Romans 12:2, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..." and cogitate over that renewal process. My mind goes to other transformations I've undertaken and how they were brought to fruition. First a decision. Then focus and persistence. This one is a joint project between the Holy Spirit and me. With both gratitude to God and concern for my own abilities, I question "Can we bring this one to completion?" And conclude, yes. The same way.
I praise God yet again for His patience and love, and HIs interactions with my mind, and begin writing. "It’s 2.30 a.m. I get up to go to the loo...."
Photo by Jr Korpa