Key Scripture: Matthew 6:15 & 1 Corinthians 13:5

1 Corinthians 13:5 Charity (Agape Love) ...thinketh no evil;

Matthew 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. 

Relevance

I was recently talking with a young bloke, about 30, who was seeking spiritual mentoring. As we conversed, I found that he grew up in a large family of 13 kids, where his father used to beat the children with a kettle cord. Dad was an angry man. They lived in fear. He lived in fear. From that violent upbringing, the young guy and probably the rest of the family developed issues. 

My first question over the phone was whether he had forgiven his father. In these cases, it is mostly my leading question, as forgiveness is fundamental to healing and enjoying any future, whether spiritual or natural. It is both the start and end of the process. I will explore that further as we go forward in our relationship.

When we hear these kinds of stories, it’s easy to get angry at the person wielding the cord. We find it reprehensible, and it is. How can a parent expect to raise a loving family when he/she creates so many scars along the way? 

Most of us would like to deal some rough justice to the holder of that cord, but we must look deeper. 

Perhaps the father would’ve been fine, even a good dad, had they stopped at three or four children. Having 13 children creates complexities that most of us are completely unaware of. For instance, how much money does the breadwinner need to cater for 13 hungry mouths, pay the rent or mortgage, pay bills, keep the vehicle/s on the road, service loans, and cover medical expenses? That’s a lot of pressure on ordinary people. 

Dad may well have been "normal" had they stopped at say six or fewer kids. That would have halved the bills and doubled the love, and perhaps removed the excuse for the cord. 

There is a breaking point in most people’s lives—a place where anxiety takes over from reason, where desperation displaces motivation, and love is replaced by irritation leading to resentment. These factors can all lead to negative changes in a person, leaving them no longer resembling their former self. 

I'm not excusing the father, but I am saying that there are often other considerations lying beneath the surface of all our malfunctions, not only his. Maybe the father was reared with the cord himself, and that was his go-to memory for discipline? 

It matters a great deal how we are raised, as trauma ghosts emerge from their hiding places and take us over at certain triggers, distorting our normal existence. 

However, when we come to Christ, all those haunting thoughts and fears, and the generational actions and scars, can be superseded by the healing qualities of the Holy Spirit. God replaces them with love and understanding.

We don't need to understand why things happened the way they did to forgive through love. Forgiving is an act of our will, not an emotional function. It is our primary purpose, made on a decision, nothing more. God doesn't require us to have a deeper understanding, just that we forgive what happened. We have to come to peace with it all.

When we dig deeper into our pain, we find why things happened the way they did. It doesn't excuse them, but we get complete closure when we can love our way through the worst of our past.

As my young friend processes forgiving his Dad and properly clearing the books, he would need to explore as many instances of maltreatment as he can recall, then forgive each one. This way, we leave at the feet of Jesus, and never pick it up again. It remains in the forgiveness file—completed!

Often, we don't realise the infinite power of love we possess through the Holy Spirit of love within us. We just deny it. 

Prayer

Dear Father, thank you that the door of forgiveness is the same door we open to Jesus Christ, if we accept it. It comes with our acceptance of Him. Please help my friend process the length and breadth of his childhood to reach the place of Your unexplainable peace. 

Photo by Brett Jordan