
KEY SCRIPTURE: Psalm 51:1-7
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
RELEVANCE
King David seemed unashamed when he bore his soul to the world, which he did many times. Why is it so difficult for us to do that? Is it pride? Maybe the fear of others knowing our weaknesses is a burden too heavy to carry. We watch and listen to others, praising their strength and openness, but still wonder why, as lionhearted Christians, we're so afraid ourselves.
At Men's Support Mission, of which I am Secretary, we are privileged to host some excellent speakers. Men Only, of course. Only three women have been invited to speak or attend in seventeen years of operation. It's secret men's business without the funny handshakes or hats. And we don't allow verbal wife-bashing if that thought just crept in.
Our policy of "what is said here, stays here" allows the men to be honest down to the depths of their hearts. Some conversations bring tears, while others bring joy and wonder that the men are still alive. I recall one speaker who spoke with such revealing frankness that it was the first time he had shared those aspects of his life with anybody. He said that his best friends didn't know, and neither did his wife or family. But he felt urged to speak frankly here. As he spoke so deeply about himself, particularly his failures and how he remedied them, I remember feeling privileged to hear it and rich by the time he finished. So many aspects of his life related to other men we all took home pocketfuls of benefits.
When writing my book, FINDING MYSELF INSIDE, I had knocked out 40,000 words about my prison experience, thinking that was a fair achievement; however, when my Editor read it, she asked for another 20,000 words—about me.
Being new to book writing, I had little idea of what to add or leave out. In my initial thoughts of putting my book together, I hadn't considered writing about my personal life outside of prison. For some odd reason, I didn't think it was relevant to the book. Looking back, it seems so strange. I mean, what sort of a book would it have been without the rest of my story?
So, I started chronologically and kept my fingers tapping through my varied life experiences, writing as much as I could remember. Then, as I went back over it, I would add more as it came to memory. Entwined in that story were those instances and experiences of shame, the lower parts of my life that could not be left out. I was caught in a predicament of how much soul should I bare.
I've always been the sort of person who can laugh at himself, and I did plenty of that, but much deeper were parts of me I had no intention of revealing. Yet, the book demanded precisely that, so I added the secret parts, not allowing my fingertips to fear.
Someone once commented, "Writing the book must have been cathartic." I'm not sure about that, but I knew the book was for the public eye, and I needed to resolve to write it down as it happened, good or bad, or, as the Introduction says, "Warts and All."
Since the book was published, I have found readers have been enriched equally by the baring of my soul as the rest of the story. I was taken aback by the number of people who identified with the warts—the ugly bits, the sinful or downward parts of my life journey- as if they needed to hear that.
Most people have experienced wart level at some point, maybe not to the depths of others, but they know the feeling of stupidity, making mistakes in judgment, and the loss of self-worth that comes with them. But there is freedom when the story is out there, a transparency that brings others closer and even helps in their healing, which makes my story worthwhile even for that.
I haven't yet caught up with our men's group speaker to see if he feels freer for sharing his lowest moments. But those elements of his life had healing power, which God used that night.
For many years, I have advocated for writing to yourself—for getting fears, hurts, shames, and embarrassments, as well as successes and high times, down on paper—not for public eyes but your own—to read your own story and help process the incidents that return you to the moments in time where they occurred and brought shame or defeat. Try it; it works. You will find erasure and a clearing of the slate. You never know; it might turn into a book.
Prayer
Dear Lord, everyone has warts in their life story that they fear sharing. Some stories might be beyond the public eye or ear, but they nevertheless need processing. Please help your people free themselves from the fears of the past. You have given us your Holy Spirit of freedom to strengthen and release us from shame.
Photo by Aaron Burden
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